"something in the mother's milk"

leanne said:

i don't like the "it's what the mother ate" theory since newborns have really immature digestive systems and, for us anyways, it doesn't seem like moya's diet or any of the remedies helped beyond a placebo effect on us ("she seems better now"). and there are plenty of things to blame on mom!
i'm not convinced cutting things out of moya's diet does/did anything except add another thing for me and moya to track/manage -- moya's on a no-wheat diet right now anyways to see if there's any change in lucy or moya
we gave lucy gripewater, cocyntal, mylicon drops and i thought that lucy had painful gas no matter what remedy we gave her and no matter what moya ate -- bland diet or not.
it's always the good yummy stuff that some babies are sensitive to -- wheat, dairy, garlic, onions, chocolate, citrus! not like anyone says "don't eat the hormone and antibiotic infused beef from a cow that ate pesticide sprayed corn"
now with lucy at 7 weeks still gassy -- she's less freaked out about it, she doesn't cry/scream everytime she has gas -- and this morning she was working out some big noisy farts that probably woke the neighbors. she was grunting and squealing a bit through it all for a couple hours but she wasn't crying.
for lucy - the pacifier helps her stop crying sometimes and that stops gas production since crying (specifically the air intake with breathing) can cause gas.
and everyone's different! we visited a friend this weekend who said she just always helped her son deal with the gas and didn't bother with her diet or remedies.
one thing that does seem to help sometimes is to warm a blanket or cloth diaper in the microwave for 1 minute and put it on lucy's belly -- helped her, at least, feel better until the blanket cooled.

at night not every night but again last night, i wake up for feedings totally bathed in sweat - and during the feedings i have to keep a liter-full of water by the rocker, and i consume this or more at night and replenish it during the day. then, by the time i go back to bed, my clothes are wet and i lie down and am completely freezing and start shivering uncontrollably! less sympathetic friends say "oh i hope you're not starting menopause on top of it all!"

i was at our dermatologist's office today sitting while leanne had an appointment and while i fed lucy and felt water leaching from my skin and body, i noticed a handout that extolled the newly-FDA-approved virtues of BOTOX for sweating.

lucy is a fussy baby now. she is crying most of the day today.

Labels: postpartum

pale birthday

i have a cold and feel like i should be spending the whole day in bed napping. but my life is not as important as yours anymore and i can't even grab a kleenex to wipe my dripping nose as i try to breastfeed in bed, nor can i get up to catch wanda's prolific hairballs. leanne got up to sleep upstairs last night because she couldn't sleep for lucy and for me coughing. i am in fear that you will catch a cold and not be able to breathe. can't take a weekend away to sonoma or do things i used to do but what are those?

you are crying in the playgym and i have to try to find a way to divert but i am too exhausted to carry, hold you.

and i hadn't even realized it is your month birthday - one month old, today.

Labels: postpartum

crying and feeding and crying and feeding. sleep.

you are crying after having fed for two or three hours and then fussed. you were on my chest now leanne is feeding you your second bottle in two hours and i had three breasts in about two hours.

i sing toora loora loora but not loud enough over your cries; i remember my grandpa's deep breath singing the same but at least it could calm me or so i remember.

Labels: postpartum

unfit

doing the laundry while lucy sleeps upstairs unattended, i start to strike bargains in my head before i forget that i cannot do so. let me swap the job of mother for the laundry! but i am the only person in the world who can fulfill the role of biological mother for lucy. there is no turning in the job title. though i am lucky i have leanne who is also a mother - most people only have one - and would be aghast to think that lucy would someday know that i had considered myself unworthy enough to turn in the job title.

i'm terrified that i feel this way that i'm somehow unfit or unwanting to be a good mother - terrified that it is true and that lucy will know. when i think she looks at me and cries or i can't comfort her as well as others, and dr swan says 'that's because she feels safe with you' - i buy the line to make me feel better but later feel silly because it was just a line she probably uses often.

i want lucy to grow up with more self-esteem and i see that in my mind's eye, yet i also thought she'd be a calm baby so i obviously don't know. i want her to be confident in the world and am scared i won't be around to see it.

lucy falls asleep only with formula.

Labels: postpartum

tear apart

leanne just hid her email from me when i accidentally came up behind her. i feel like i am completely interdependent upon her and yet she was obviously violated by my presence. i was tired and hungry all day running around - when i am actually quite exhausted and feel like i should be lying down when not feeding lucy.

lucy - you cried like you were going to tear apart from the inside today. your hands were up on either side of your face, clenched into fists and scratching your delicate cheeks. when evanescence came on to sing 'my immortal' amy's soaring voice calmed you down; i thought - if i had a voice like an angel, would you forgive me? i can't sing to you to make it stop; i can't rock you in the right way or make the right cooing sounds to help you stop crying; i can't interpret you to know why you are hurting; i can't seem to make it better.

Labels: postpartum

glimpsing

leanne said the other day that having a baby gives her something to move forward towards. that was really neat...

we breastfed in public - on a bench on the sidewalk in front of starbucks after seeing dr kahn - then changed her diaper. then went to the ocean, which immediately calmed her down.

and just now leanne said: 'now that she's been with us for ten days i can't imagine not having her'

leslie wrote: You are an amazing woman and an amazing family with many resources.

glimpses only, of the brightness through the dark.

Labels: postpartum

 

tuesday is a hard day

i look at her and when i careen into despair and tears i feel she looks at me confused and protecting already. i think of her in the mornings when i've had too little sleep and start to panic - about her hopes fears and dreams and how will we sustain them? i worry in advance for the heartache and injuries she will suffer in life; i worry that i will be and am old and may not be there for her.

her fussiness worries me; is it all the time? am i required to feed all the time? every hour, every two hours? can i keep up? can we have time for ourselves - leanne mentioned she is sore because she can't do the morning stretches in bed she usually does.

i worry that this is the kind of thing women turn bipolar about and get locked up in insane asylums! i think or thought i was a strong woman - so many women give birth - surely i can survive this and bear this lovely child upwards in the world, can't i?

she is nine days old and she is snoring in the bassinet - it's 9:30a and it's dark in the room while leanne and wanda slumber. she is crying in her sleep; i feel desperate at times. dark, demanded, i will not be able to fulfill, another morning.

Labels: postpartum